


Wiped Clean

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 01, Spoilers, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-03
Updated: 2008-01-17
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:20:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: It's all the same they met, they fuck, Justin holds on, and Brian starts to give in. Then they go to the prom, they dance, they kiss, and the night ends with a crack of a bat and a coma. And Justin even stays in the coma for three days but when he wakes up it's different.





	1. Waking Up

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes:

Hi everyone it's another plot bunny this time from the wonderful Laina and as my beta is on a cruise(and she didn't take me LOL) The lovely Lady_E was kind enough to lend her beta'ing skills. My beautiful banner is by the great Eka?muffin_donat2007

 

 

* * *

I slowly push my eyes open and wonder why it's so hard to open them. It's like I have been asleep for a month and I am still so tired. Once my eyes are all the way open I look around me and feel fear worm it's way through my body.

'Where am I?'

I look around the room I'm in and notice the stark white interior and several machines hooked up to me and beeping.

'The hospital? Why the fuck am I in the hospital? What happened to me?'

I know I hurt all over but I don't remember what happened. The last thing I remember was lying in bed with Daphne and watching a movie. Did we go out somewhere and have a car accident?

'Is Daphne alright?'

This thought causes panic to surge throughout my body and I quickly pull myself into a sitting position. As I do that, I happen to look over to the door and see an excited expression on the face of a beautiful man standing outside the window to my room; he has these gorgeous hazel eyes that are so sad, they make me want to weep. He also has this beautiful auburn hair that looks so soft. I just want to run my fingers through it.

I realize what I'm thinking and quickly look away. I was checking him out and if anyone caught me they might realize my secret, they might know that I'm gay. I can just image what I beautiful man like that would think if he knew I was checking him out. He's obviously straight and even if he was gay he wouldn't go for a kid like me who's never kissed a girl much less a boy.

I look back up to where the man was standing and let out a disappointed sigh when I see that he is no longer there. I wonder what he was doing standing there in the first place but before I can get to into thinking about it, I remember that I don't know what happened to Daphne and I start to panic again. As I try to get out of bed to find out a doctor walks in just as I am about to fall on my face because I find that I can't even stand. 

"Whoa. Hold on there Justin. You have to stay in bed." The doctor says. His eyes kind and his voice gentle.

"Is Daphne alright? I have to know. Is she ok?"

"The girl that was with you? Yes, she is fine son. So is the man that was with you. Chris I hear is a little worse for wear though."

"Chris?"

"Yes Chris…umm Hobbs is his last name I believe."

Chris Hobbs? Why was Daphne and I hanging out with Chris Hobbs, but more importantly what was the star football player doing hanging out with me and Daphne? Just as I was about to ask this question the door opens again and I get sight of a huge group of people standing there.

There is my mom, Molly, and Daphne but also a whole lot of people I have never met in my entire life. That beautiful guy is in the group seemingly being held still by the man next to him. That man looked really nice. Like the phrase 'boy next door' was coined for him. He has dark hair and dark eyes which held such kindness and a childlike quality even though he looked to be about thirty. 

And then there is a woman who almost reminded me of my mother in her younger years, she has light blond hair and soft brown eyes and you can just tell she's a WASP. Beside her is a short brown hair woman who you can just tell is a hard ass by her stance but her eyes betray her by being a combination between worried and relieved.

On the other side of the gorgeous man is a woman who to tell the truth looks like a clown who's puppy died. She has laugh lines all around her face and right now that face is wearing a scared mother look. Next, is a man who just looking at makes me want to smile. He is gay and completely obvious about it, but it suits him. He's wearing pink and purple together and pulling it off. He looks twenty with that almost innocent look on his face. where as he's probably in his late twenties.

And lastly standing next to him is a very plain looking man. He literally looks like an accountant. He has dull brown eyes and a kicked puppy expression on his face. Even his clothes say accountant.

I still can not figure out who all these people are or why they are here but maybe they are friends or family of Chris and just wanted to see the boy who was hurt with him. Which brings me back to my original question. Why were Chris, Daphne, and I together anyway?

After all those observations about who is at my door it dawns on me who isn't. My father. I wonder where he is because obviously whatever happened to me was serious if the looks on the faces of the people staring at me are any indication. For some reason I don't know if I should ask the questions I have, but fuck it. I'll leave the one about Chris alone for a second but I want to know where my dad is, hell I have a right to ask. He's my dad.

"Where's dad?"

Wow. I did not expect to get that reaction. Everybody standing at the door tensed with anger and my sister looks like she is going to cry while the man with the hazel eyes looks like he's going to kill someone. I wait for an answer and when none comes I prompt again.

"Well where is he?"

Hazel eyed man looks around and when no one answers he decided to.

"The fucking prick hasn't shown up once. He's a piece of shit, loser like hi…"

"Where the fuck do you get off talking about my father like that? I don't know who you are or what problem you have with my father but you can just go fuck yourself. My father is a great guy and I don't need some fucking asshole running him down. Get the fuck out of here!"


	2. Deciding

I hear gasps fill the room and I know that I have just said something wrong. I half expect my mother to start yelling at me, but no one moves. They just all look at the doctor with worried looks on their faces. I am not sure what's going on, but the fact that they all look completely terrified makes my heart skip a beat.

"Justin, do you know what the date is?" The kindly doctor asks me gently. With this question I know I'm in a lot trouble.

"It's August 20th, 2000"

"Almost a fucking year! He's lost almost a fucking year!" The man I had thought was beautiful but now just think is a prick…ok he is still beautiful but a prick none the less…shouts.

'Wait what did he say? Did he say I don't remember a year of my life?'

I don't say anything 'cause at that moment the doctor looks questioningly at the group of people at my door and the clownish one answers his unspoken question.

"It means he doesn't remember any of us or any of the things that…"

"What the fuck? Then tell me what I don't remember."

I see several of the people start to say something, but the doctor cuts off whatever they are thinking about saying.

"Justin we have to do some test, but it seems as if you have amnesia and I'm sorry, but with the way the brain works when you have amnesia, it is best for you to remember by yourself rather then to have someone else tell you."

"Fuck that. Just fucking tell me. I fucking don't remember a year of my life. I think I deserve to know who these people are."

"They can tell you who they are but I have to advise against them telling you anything about how you guys met or the history between you."

The doctor spoke for a little while longer and I tried to argue and reason with him but to no avail. He finally left the room with the warning that he didn't think it was a good idea to tell me anything. 

As soon as he left, I tried to convince the others in the room to tell me, but they were all tight lipped. They all told me their names and wouldn't tell me anything more. The beautiful asshole's name is Brian, and then there was Michael, Emmett, Debbie, Lindsey, Ted, Melanie.

They left a little while later when a nurse came in and told them to let me rest. I was left in this cold sterile place all alone.

I spend about an hour tying to remember anything about the last year, but all I get is a headache and finally I lie down and drift off the sleep with sad hazel eyes in my head.

Brian's POV

'I wish I had killed him.'

I know that it wouldn't make this better, but it would give me some satisfaction. If I had just hit him in the head like he did to Justin, then he could be dead and maybe I wouldn't feel as bad about losing Justin.

When I saw Justin watch up from my post outside the window to his hospital room I thought that it meant that Hobbs hadn't been able to take him from me and I rejoiced, but I was wrong. He did take Justin from me anyway.

'I can't believe he doesn't remember anything about us.' 

Us. As in me and Justin because that is what me going to the prom meant. That I was ready for us to become more, and then that fucking psycho Hobbs took everything away. Now instead of figuring out how to deepen our relationship like we were going to, Justin can't even remember me much less our relationship.

'And yes the great Brian Kinney is…was…is in a relationship and he was about to be able to admit it to the world when hate laid it at his feet.'

I walk out of the hospital and before I know what is going on I'm at Babylon getting my dick sucked, trying to forget everything. I look down at the trick after a few minutes of him doing a passable job and find myself getting pissed that he's not Justin. I know that we might not have been monogamous at the next stage in the relationship that we were headed to. But I might have wanted to try and now that is all lost.

"Fuck off." I growl at the trick and practically rip my dick out of his mouth.

"What?" He asks confused. 

But I leave him there cursing me out. And head out of Babylon with a destination in mind. I am going to the loft and I will find out everything there is to learn about amnesia because fuck that if Hobbs is going to win. Justin and I will go to that next stage in our relationship. It just may take longer then I originally thought.

As soon as I reach the loft I immediately log on to my computer while I start dialing the phone. I'll do research myself but I know I'm going to need help.

"Is he ok?" The voice one the other end asks in a tone that you can tell is trying to cover up nervousness. She knew about Justin because I couldn't come to work and because she is close to me in ways that nobody would understand.

"He woke up."

"That's great, isn't it?"

"Well he thinks it's August 2000 but other than that it's fucking wonderful."

"Ok Brian, what do we need to do?"

I know I was harsh with her and that she has questions but she knows me well enough not to ask them. She is a great person and the only reason I don't go completely insane at work.

"I need you over here now with the lap top from work and I need us to go through everything we can think of to find anything that might help him."

When I finish my sentence she agrees and is over here in a little over a half an hour. We work through the night.


	3. I Won't Do That

The Next Morning-Late

Oh shit that hurts. I sit up and almost fall off the chair I had obviously fallen asleep on.

'Why the hell am I sleeping on the chair at my desk?'

I look in front for me and all of the memories my sleep tried to suppress come rushing back to me. Justin doesn't remember anything from the last year. Anything from our time together, or even meeting each other. He doesn't know me at all.

I shake my head clear of these thoughts and go to get ready for another day while going over everything I'd learn last night in my head. After getting ready, I come out to the kitchen and sees Cynthia at the island with a freshly made cup of coffee in her hand and one in front of her for me. I knew there was a reason I kept her around.

"So what are you going to do today?"

"Well, all the info basically says that I should try to make him remember by doing all of the things we have done together."

"And if he doesn't remember?"

"I want to make it different."

"What do you mean different?

"Well we haven't always had the best relationship, so I'm thinking of….. makhifailvwthngan."

I know I mumbled, but I don't really want to have to admit my plan out loud. But, I also know after everything we talked about last night, she isn't going to let me get away with that.

"What was that? I missed it."

I knew she wasn't going to let it go, but I had hoped. God, I can't believe I'm about to say this but it's even more unbelievable that I have every intention of doing it.

"I am going to make him fall in love with me again. I mean, he really loved me before and I refuse to believe that just because he forgot the last year he won't love me again."

I watch Cynthia looking like she wants to cry or hug me but she does neither she just tells me what she thinks as usual.

"Ok, tell me of anything I can do to help."

She leaves and I head out to the hospital to start my new campaign; I'm going to be selling me.

When I get to the hospital, I head directly to Justin's room but am quickly waylaid by his mother.

"Hey Brian."

"Jennifer."

"What are you doing here?"

"Umm… I came to see Justin."

I know my confusion is apparent in my voice, but what sort of question is that? How the hell could she ask me that since Justin is here.

"Brian, I need to talk to you."

Oh God. Is something else wrong with Justin? Oh please nothing else. I don't think he can deal with anything else and I know I sure as hell can't.

"Ok."

We walk into a waiting room down the hall and I watch her anxiously as she paces in front for me. I know I'm not going to like what she has to say, but I stay here and grit my teeth waiting; but wanting to see Justin right now, at the same time.

"Brian. Justin doesn't remember you at all."

"I know. But he will or we'll just go from here if worst comes to worst."

"Brian the doctors think that he will never remember. They say if he isn't reminded too much about some things, then we don't have to worry about him remembering at all."

I know I have to have a completely blank look on my face, but can you blame me? Did you get what she just said? It sounded like she wanted Justin to never remember.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"Brian, please understand that in the year that's missing his life has changed so much…"

I cut her off because I don't want to hear anymore. I will not listen to her as she tries to make her grown son into a baby again.

"Yes it has, but he is the one who changed it. And even if his memory stays gone you can't change who your son is. He is a gay man with many, admittedly strange friends, who is also in love with me."

"He's not in love with you. He doesn't remember you. But you remember all the times you made him cry and all the times you told him he meant nothing to you."

"How the fuck?"

"You'd be surprised what people will tell you."

Great, my friends strike again. Fuck. I wish people would mind their own business. That is one of the big draw backs with me and Justin. Too many fucking people butting in like it's any of their fucking business. Tell Justin what to think and tell me what to do.

I look at Justin's mother, once again sticking her nose where it doesn't belong, and wonder what exactly it is that she wants from me, although I am pretty sure I already know.

"What do you want from me Jennifer?"

"I want you to stay away from him. He doesn't remember you and hopefully he never will. He can come home and go to school and if he is still gay, he can find a nice boy his age who won't almost get him killed."

I stare at her, shocked. She blames me for the bashing. For Chris Hobbs using Justin's head for batting practice. Maybe I am to blame. I nod my head and agree to never see Justin again. I watch her walk away and the only thing I can hear is the bat striking bone.

'I almost got Justin killed. Hell if he remembered he would probably blame me too.'

Then my mind clears and I realize what just happened. And although before this I would have listened, I have too much to lose now. I could lose Justin. I run down the hall and catch up with Jennifer as she is about to enter Justin's room.

"No."

What?"

"I will not leave and never see him again. We're together and he loves me and I won't let what Chris did or what you think destroy that for us. I am not the reason he is hurt. That little fucking homophobe is, and I will not pay for what he has done. I won't let you or Chris, or even Craig break me and Justin up."

Justin's POV

I hear my mother and that Brian guy outside my door and Brian's words send me into shock. I can't believe that not only am I out, but I have a beautiful boyfriend and my mother is trying to get him to leave me. Plus there is _so_ something going on with my father.

"What the hell is going on here, you two?"


	4. Choices Remade

Thanks to Laina for beta'ing this chapter

Justin's POV Continued

I stare at the both of them as they wear shocked and guilty expressions, but neither of them speak.

"Well? What the fuck are you two talking about? Huh?"

Still nothing and I'm starting to get pissed, and somewhere in me I decide the person I'm really pissed at is my mother. I know they can't really tell me what they were talking about, because of the fucking doctor, but I also know what I heard. I heard my mother was trying to get my boyfriend who I apparently love, to leave me.

"Well mom, would you care to explain yourself?"

"Justin honey, let's go into your room to talk about this."

"What? Don't want to cause a scene? God forbid anyone know our business."

"Justin."

Brian, who I now know is my boyfriend, or at least was before my brain went on the fritz, says my name in this gentle yet stern way, and I immediately head back into my room. 

It surprises me how I listen to him without hesitation, but I guess it's left over from our relationship. Maybe he's used that tone with me before, and somewhere in my head I remember it, and know it means he's serious. At least I hope, because I remember it somehow.

Once we are all in the room again, nobody speaks. I'm glaring at my mother, as if I could see the truth of all of this inside her. Finally my mother opens her mouth, when it becomes apparent that I'm not just going to let it go.

"Justin, you know I can't tell you what we were talking about. The doctor gave explicit directions that you have to remember on your own. I know you must be frustrated, but I can't put your health at further risk."

"Frustrated?! You have no fucking clue how I feel. There's an entire year of my fucking life gone. I didn't forget where I put my car keys. Apparently I forgot that I was out, and have a boyfriend, and all the things that go along with that. Not to mention a group of other people, who I still don't fucking know who they are."

"Out?"

"You must know what out is."

"I do, but I don't get you saying it. You forgot the last year."

"So? Just because I forgot it doesn't matter, I've known I was gay for a long time. Hell, years. Although at first I didn't know what it meant, when I was attracted to guys."

"But…but…I thought…uh…"

"You thought what? That one day I just decided it? How long have I been out? Is this new?"

I watch as my mother opens and then closes her mouth, and I realize that I have asked a question about the past and that she can't answer it for me.

"Fuck. Never mind. Mom I can tell that me being gay bothers you, but you have to understand that I AM gay. There is nothing you or I, or anyone else can do about that."

"But it's not like you've ever been with a girl. How do you know you won't like it?"

"Yes, I have."

"What?"

"You remember something?"

I hear the dual questions, and by Brian's response I know I've said something right. The only problem, is that I have no idea why I said that. I don't have a memory to go along with that statement, but I just knew it was true.

I turn and look at Brian, because when he asked if I had a memory, it was clear to me he knew what I was referring to. Even if neither my mother or I actually did.

"Nothing. I don't remember anything, but that just came out and it seems right. Is it?"

Brian just looks into my eyes, and for a moment it seems like he is going to say something. But then the door opens and in walks the doctor.

'Fuck!'

The doctor looks around the room, obviously sensing the tension. But he doesn't remark on it. Instead, he goes into a spiel about how he thought I was ready to go home. I just couldn't be alone, and if I had any head aches that were very bad or wouldn't go away, I had to come back in. He also gave me several prescriptions, and about a million other rules. When he leaves the room, my mother starts to speak.

"Okay, Justin let's get you ready. So we can go home."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm bringing him home."

"There's no need to go out of your way. I'll drop him off."

"What are you…Oh no he's coming home."

"Well in case you missed the memo, he doesn't live with you anymore."

"He's coming home, he needs me around to take care of him, and he doesn't even remember Deb. And on top of that, she has Vic to worry about so she can't deal with Justin too."

"Well I think we should ask her that, and if she says it might be too much, then he will come back to the loft with me."

"It will be better if he's home Brian."

"Home? He doesn't remember that place you're living at either, Jennifer."

I've been listening to them argue, not objecting to the fact that they were arguing over me like I was some kind of possession. Apparently they've both forgotten I'm in the room, and I've learned more in the last two minutes, then I have in the last two days. Finally I'm finished getting dressed, and I hear Brian's last statement.

"What? What does he mean that I don't know the place you're living?"

I angrily wait for a response, and I'm not surprised when I don't get one. I can't think as thoughts run around my head so fast, it begins to hurt. I grab my temple to stop the head ache I know is coming.

"Justin, are you ok?"

I shoot Brian a glare that says stay away, and I try to control myself and my emotions. Everything's so hard right now. I'm so scared everything has changed but me. But that's not true either, because I have changed too I'm sure. Only I can't remember doing it, or why it happened. All I know is that just looking at my mother makes me angry, and looking at Brian makes me feel safe and loved.

"Well the truth is, I don't want to go to Debbie's because I don't know her at all."

"That's alright Justin, you're coming home."

"I'm going with him."


	5. The Loft

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Lois for beta'ing this for me. Have a great trip girl.  


* * *

Justin's POV

As I say the words I can hear the echoing in my head, but not from me saying them right then, but like I had said them sometime in the past. I can hear my own voice saying them just as defiantly as I just did and for a moment I am confused as to where I said them, only just now, or if there really is some sort of memory in my head of me saying them as well.

As I am questioning myself about this and maybe my sanity too, I look up and see a huge grin on Brian's face and my question is answered. Although I know he won't tell me about it because of the stupid doctor's decree, the look on his face tells me I have said those words and it's a good memory I have invoked in Brian by saying them.

There was no arguing after that and although I could tell by my mother's face that she wished she could, she didn't and soon we were leaving the hospital on the way to somewhere I should know but don't. 

About twenty minutes later we pull up in front of what looks like a warehouse and I feel Brian pull his hand from mine. Funny, I hadn't even been aware that we had been holding hands. I'm sure it should feel weird to be holding hands with someone, who for all intense and purposes is a complete stranger, but to my surprise it is the most normal thing in the world. So when I get out of the Jeep, I go around to where he's waiting for me and we link hands again.

We go up a rickety elevator and I'm staring at Brian trying to figure out how a man who's dressed in Armani lives in a place like this. When the elevator jerks to a stop and Brian pulls up the gate I scramble off, just glad to have gotten off that thing alive.

When Brian pulled open the big mental door in front of us, the shabbiness that I was questioning disappears as if it had never existed. In front of me is one of the most elegant and expensive places I have ever seen. It's all leather and marble and hard wood flooring. The décor is almost minimal but it is also someone's home.

There is a backpack parked beside the couch, a pair of sneakers beside it, and on a couple of surfaces there are things like sketch pads and pencils. That's when it dawns on me the backpack is mine, as is the sketch pads and pencils, and although I have never seen those sneakers, I wouldn't be surprised if those were mine too.

"Since it's your…"

"You have a nice…"

Brian and I both spoke at the same time and tried to stop at the same time to let the other speak and then smiled at each other, washing away a bit of the nervousness we have been feeling since leaving the hospital.

"I have a nice kitchen. Right?"

"Oh, I've said that before?"

I know he is going to answer me but he knows that's what he meant.

"So you know what I was going to say. What were you going to say?"

"Oh yeah, I was saying because it's your first night here I would order you that nasty greasy pizza from that place you love so much."

"YAY! Great, I'd love it."

I try to sound as enthusiastic as I can but the fact that I'm not sure where he is going to be ordering from bothers me more than I care to admit. I know nothing anymore is as it seems, oh I remember everything before this last year but my life seems so different, it's not really relevant. 

I push these thoughts away and I look at Brian and realize that although I know that he is my boyfriend, I know nothing about him. So maybe I can get him to tell me something, maybe it will jog my memory and even if it doesn't, if my memory never comes back, then I need to know more about him.

About thirty minutes later, we are sitting with our backs to the sofa and eating pizza that I have to say is the best pizza I have ever tasted in my life, or at least the best I remember tasting. When I decide that it's now or never, I need to find out about Brian and I will do it now.

"Tell me something about yourself."

"Justin, you know what the doctor said. I'm sure it's…"

I cut him off cause I have heard this lecture before and what I want to know isn't covered by what the doctor said. Well, to be honest, I want to know everything that happened over the last year, everything I did, said, heard, or even thought, but I know I'm not going to be able to get him to tell me that. I'll just have to learn all I can.

"No, not something that we did or that happened in the last year; just tell me about you."

"Umm, ok. What do you want to know?"

"Everything Brian, we are together and I don't know anything about you." I see him wince as my statement hits home in a way I wasn't trying for. "Sorry."

"No that's ok, I understand. Ok, so um, I'm an adman. The best in the state, if not the country."

Brian stops when I laugh but I really can't help it, he just said something so arrogant but he said it in the most blasé way, like he was just stating a fact.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's just you said something so egotistical like it was nothing."

"Well, that's because it's just true. Quit laughing at me, you little…"

"Don't you dare call me a twat, asshole"

Brian stops again and is looking at me happily and I know once again I have said something from the past; I just wish my brain would catch up with my mouth.

"What makes you think I was going to call you a twat?"

"I heard you."

"But I didn't say it just now."

"I know, but I heard you in my head."


	6. Sharing

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Princess for beta'ing for me  


* * *

Brian's POV

He heard me in his head? Well that's good right? It means that the memories are still in there somewhere and they are trying to get out, right?

"Brian, I'll remember right?"

"Yes you will. Those things you keep saying are memories, you just need to figure out how to unlock them."

"Ok. Tell me more."

"Ok like I said I'm an adman. I work for a company called Ryder."

"Um… Brian?"

I look at him when he cuts me off again, and I want to be annoyed but I can't.

"Yes?"

"I want to know something real."

"Real?"

"Something about you. Something that no one else but me would know."

God I don't like to share things and so much of me is telling me to tell him that, but there is also the voice in my head that's screaming that this could be our new start. That telling him what he wants to know could get us so much closer. I know if he remembers, he will love that I let him in more than I ever have and that if he doesn't this could be our start.

I also don't know how he will react if I refuse to tell him. Before this all happened, if I didn't let him in, he would always seem to understand that it was too much for me. The question now is, with his brain all messed up would he take it the same way?

"Ok, but I get to stop when I say I'm going to."

"Huh?"

"I don't really like to…"

I stop mid-sentence because shit, it's just too much too say that most shit is painful for me to talk about. But I see understanding dawn on Justin's face and know that he hasn't changed that much.

"Ok no problem."

"Ok, so I have two families same as you do now, and the reason I do is because the one I was born into…"

I continue talking for about ten minutes straight before I have to back off and Justin seems to sense that I have had it because as soon as I stop he picks up, telling me all about himself as if I too lost my memory. It's great because I am learning things about him I never knew as well.

Because I have always been shut off, he would never share too much with me either, probably because I wouldn't have allowed it. But now there are no walls between us and when he takes a break from talking, I share more as well.

This continued on for almost two hours before we are interrupted by the phone and we both just turn and stare at it. I feel as though I shouldn't answer it for two reasons, one being I'm truly enjoying this conversation and I don't want to stop, and the other being that I am enjoying myself and it seems in my life, when that happens something bad follows it.

But once again Justin proves that although he may not remember us, he is still the same person who can read me like a book.

"Brian go ahead and answer it, we can pick up this conversation anytime. We have forever."

I listen to Justin, and walk to the phone wearing a grin because his words keep ringing in my head. He might not remember everything but he still wants us to be together forever. I can't believe all the things I have told him today, things that no one knows, not even Mikey, and still I wish I could tell him more.

"Hello?"

"Hello Brian. I want Justin at the condo tonight for dinner. I want to see him and molly does too."

"Nice of you to ask Jennifer, I'll see what he thinks."

My hunches are up as soon as I hear Justin's mother's voice, and the way she just commanded his presence annoys the hell out of me, and I'd love to hang up on her but Justin loves her, so I don't.

"Hey Jus. Your mom wants you to go to dinner there tonight, so you can visit (with) her and Molly."

"Well if you have nothing planned and you want to, I'm game."

"What do you mean me?"

"Well you're coming with me aren't you?"

I hate the nervous sound in his voice, he used to get that anytime he wanted to do anything with me. Although he would never have asked me this, because he knew I would laugh in his face and say no. Now it's different, because he doesn't think I'll say no, but he's still afraid to go there without me. So this is me, Brian Kinney, 'King Stud of Liberty Avenue,' going to the 'mother-in-law's' house for dinner.

"Sure. I'll go with you."

I pick up the phone and relay the message to Jennifer.

"Hey we'll both be there what time?"

"You weren't invited Brian."

Oh what a bitch. Well to fucking bad cause Justin wants me there.

"Well Jennifer that seems to be a problem because Justin wants me there."

"Well he just lost his memory, he's not two, and he can come by himself."

"I am not going to fucking argue with you about this Jenn. He wants me there, so either we both go, or neither of us goes."

I can see Justin getting aggravated out of the corner of my eye and I'm even more pissed because she's upsetting him.

"Listen here…"

Justin practically rips the phone out of my hand while sending me an apologetic look and speaks to his mother.

"Listen Mom obviously I have no idea what the problem between you and Brian is, but at this point I don't really care what it is. Brian and I are together, a couple, and if you would like me over for dinner, then I'm bringing my partner. If you have a problem with that then I shouldn't come over. So what's it going to be? And if you say anything other than no problem, I promise you I am hanging up."

I don't hear what is said on the other end, but Justin is smiling a little cold smile and then he answers whatever she said.

"Ok that's great. What time should we be there?"

He got her to agree, and he's giving her back that waspy politeness she's so good at. You know the kind that is so fake everyone knows it.

"Alright we'll be there. See you then Mom."


	7. Dinner at Mom's

Brian and I sit in the jeep in my mother’s driveway and I’m struck once again by all the things I don’t know. I’m staring at this place that my mother and my sister now live without my dad and for me, I have never been here and my father and mother should be together. I don’t want to be here, and I would wish that it was a year ago, except when I look over and see Brian.

He’s sitting there feeling as anxious as I am but for an entirely different reason. Although I have no idea what it happened between Brian and my mother, I do know that my mother seems to hate Brian and Brian has an animosity towards her as well. I don’t know if I will ever know what happened but I don’t plan on it being a part of my life for long. I will do everything to get them to get along because I love them both.

He looks over at me and catches my eye and in a second, similar soft smiles grace both our faces. We both know that although we are not excited about being here, we have each other and that’s all we need to get through anything. After that shared smile reassured us both, we got out of the Jeep and met in the front.

When we started walking side by side to the front door, I slipped my hand in Brian’s and for a second he looked down at our joined hands, but after a second he looks away from them and doesn’t do anything. I stare at him curiously wondering why I was sure he was just going to take his hand from mine, maybe it’s just cause he feels uncomfortable because of my mother.

I push the thoughts of his strange reaction away, determined to deal with this first and then I will talk to Brian about that. When we get to the door, my mother opens it before we have the chance to knock.

“Justin!”

She hugs me tight as if she doesn’t want to let go and for some reason I can tell she’s not looking at me. I look to her eyes and follow her line of vision and realize that she is glaring at Brian.

“Mom.”

I warn her in a cold voice and she whips around to look at me again so I make my thoughts on her behavior very clear with only the look in my eyes. My mother doesn’t show a reaction to my warning but no good wasp would and then she leads us into the house.

Once in the house I look around and I see pieces from the old house and for a moment I miss it then I look at Brian and my sister bounces into the room. She has always been a happy child, much like I was, with an unlimited supply of energy but now she seems more free. What I could remember, when dad lived in the same house as her he would always yell at her, or even me to slow down, act our ages and a thousand other things that rung in our ears for most of our young lives.

I smile not only because I’m happy to see the little brat but also because she obviously feels good enough to not hide just how annoying she actually is. Hey, what can I say, she’s my little sister? After noticing this I also look at my mother and notice that even though she is stressed about Brian being here, she seems happier than she ever did before. 

Before it all changed, before whatever happened that no one will tell me. Damn, I have to quit thinking about this shit, I can’t dwell on things that I can do nothing about. But shit, I just can’t stand all this. I fucking can’t stand this huge blank spot where apparently all this huge shit happened. I’m so fucking frustrated that I can’t remember meeting Brian or why I don’t live at home or any of the other mystery’s that seemed to have happened in the blank time.

I’m stuck in my thoughts and anger at the whole situation until I feel a hand curl around my neck. The moment I feel the touch I know that the hand belongs to Brian and for a reason that I don’t understand, the touch immediately calms me. I look up into his eyes and smile as he silently asks me if I’m alright; my smile seems to reassure him and we head in a united force.

My mother ushers us to the dinner table and moves to sit us on opposite sides of the table. Brian arches an eyebrow at this but he refrains from saying anything, although I know he wants to. I know he is trying to keep the peace but I refuse to allow my mother to do something so bullshit and not call her on it.

“Molly, switch seats with me.”

“Sure…”

“Justin, that’s not necessary”

“Yes it is, mother. I want to sit beside Brian and to do that, Molly has to move.”

“Justin…”

“Seriously Mom, we had this talk, Brian and I…”

“Justin, I don’t think we need to discuss this in front of your sister.”

“What? Are you telling me that Molly doesn’t know?”

“We saw no need to tell her. Please Justin, I don’t want to talk about this now.”

“So she really doesn’t know? But I thought that you supported me? I mean you’re here and you were at the hospital. I thought that meant you were ok with who I am.”

“Justin, just because I accept this doesn’t mean we think that Molly should know about it.”

“This? Who I am is ‘this’?”

“Justin, don’t let her get to you.”

“Why don’t you stay out of it.”

“Don’t talk to him that way.”

“Why not? This is all his fault.”

“What’s his fault?”

“Hey Everybody!”

Everyone turns to face Molly, who had been forgotten in the volley of words.

“If this is about Justin being gay, I already know that.”


	8. Molly Talks

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Eka for my awe-inspiring banner and to Lois for my beta'ing.  


* * *

Molly’s POV

I look around the room at all the surprised faces and I know they all forgot that I was even in the room while they were arguing about what was ‘best’ for me. Well I know Justin doesn’t mean to do that but bugging him always brings out the worst in him. And Brian it seemed, didn’t even forget I was here; he just looks like he’s maybe proud of me although I don’t understand why he would be. But it does make me feel good that he is.

“I…I…umm Molly, I think you should go to your room. We’ll discuss this later.”

“Why, there’s really nothing to discuss, I know Justin’s gay. I have for like ever.”

I can’t believe Justin’s even surprised that I know, he knows what a snooper I am. I mean I am his little sister, that’s my job, spying and just generally making his life miserable. 

So I knew why before mom and dad knew but I didn’t really understand until I was talking to my friend Heidi. Her brother is gay too, although he doesn’t live at home anymore and when I told her about the stuff I found in Justin’s room, she told me that meant he was gay and what gay was.

“Did you tell your sister, Justin?” Mom says in a shocked voice.

“No I didn’t, but she is my annoying little sister.” Justin shoots back, quirking an evil grin at me and I realize he figured out how I know.

“What do you mean by that?” Mom demands in a haughty voice, like Justin just suggested I was gay too.

“Mom, he means that I snooped in his room and found out. Cause I’m annoying like that.” I say, trying not to be rude to my mother but finding it hard.

Mom walks over to me in a very concerned way and puts her hand on my shoulder and looks into my eyes and I know she is about to say something very mother-like and something I totally don’t want to hear.

“Molly honey, do you know what gay means?” See I knew it. What did I tell you?

“Yes.” I say abruptly, hoping she won’t go any further, although out of the corner of my eye I see my brother squirming and Brian looking like he wants to burst out laughing and that lowers how much I want to sink through the floor. “My friend Heidi told me what it meant and Dad rants about it all the time.”

I’m sorry I said the last part about Dad when I see Brian flinch and Justin begin to look nauseous. But I have to go on because I’m sick of everyone ignoring how all of this affects me. Not that I blame Justin for any of this because I figure that he is just being who he is and it’s everyone else that seems to have a problem with something that I can’t see why it’s a big deal.

“Not that I listen to anything Dad says about it. I mean, who knew he was so full of hate. It really freaks me out most of the time. I mean, what if I’m gay or if I just become something he doesn’t like? Do you think he will treat me that way too? “

As I say this, I look around all the faces and I can see the reactions dawn on them. I see that my mother is about to lie to me in that way she has of pretending everything will be alright. My brother seems like he just got kick hard in the stomach and also like he wants to hug me and keep the world away from me, to protect me as he couldn’t protect himself. And Brian, Brian once again has that look on his face that he’s proud of me and this time I understand it. He’s proud that I would stand up and demand the answers I deserve.

“Molly, your father loves you, honey.”

“And? He used to say he loves Justin too but it’s not so. He doesn’t love us cause if he did, he’d love us no matter what.”

I watch as my brother’s whole body sags and I hope to god I’m not causing him more pain. 

“Please, I mean get real, we live in a small community and go to private schools and with everything that has happened, including what crazy Chris did, everyone knows about it and some people don’t let me forget it, as if I could.”

“Ok, that’s enough.” Brian’s voice booms and even though there is no anger in it I flinch, because there is a stern warning in it and I don’t understand why he’s making me stop. He looked so proud of me, in fact he still does. So why does he want me to stop?

“Why don’t I get to say my piece?” I ask, upset that I was finally getting somewhere only to have it cut off.

“You do get to say your piece Molly, just not in front of your brother.”

“What? Why?”

“Molly, I think you forgot about not telling Justin things from the last year.” Brian says in a gentle voice and then it dawns on me that I have let things slip and Justin looks as pale as a ghost and is shaking slightly. I run over to my brother and throw my arms around him as I start to cry.

“Oh I’m so sorry, Justy. I didn’t mean to. I would never hurt you on purpose. I forgot, I swear. Please forgive me. Please.” I beg Justin through my tears.

Justin wraps his arms around me and holds my tightly trying to comfort me although his shaking doesn’t stop.

“It’s alright Mollusk. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. Everything will be alright. I have to go now okay? I’ll see you later. I love you.”

With those words Justin lets me go and walks to the door without a word to my mother or Brian and he’s gone. And although he told me everything was alright, I know it’s not and my tears don’t stop as Brian quickly smiles at me and runs outside after Justin.


	9. Realizations

Justin’s POV

I stumble out the door to my mother’s condo, reeling on what I have just learned from my sister. Just the few words she said about my father sent images hurtling through my mind and they are so confusing, it’s scary. The only thing that is real clear is that in every image my father is looking at me with anger, disgust, and hate.

I know that I’m eighteen years old and therefore I should act like a man but I can’t control my emotions as I fall to my knees with tears streaming down my face and I cry out ‘why’ to the heavens. By the time the second why leaves my lips, Brian’s arms are around me and I seek to bury myself in his arms, now begging him to tell me why.

“Let’s go home and talk baby.”

Brian gently lifts me up and I find myself going where he wants me to unresistingly. Once we are back at the loft and we are laying side by side on our bed, he begins to question what is going on.

“Justin, what happened back there baby. Do you remember something?”

“Yes…no…I don’t know.”

“Just tell me what is going on inside that gorgeous head of your’s.”

“I just see my father’s face. It’s like swirling all around me. But the thing is, that the look on his face is nothing I have ever seen before. Or at least nothing I ever remember seeing.”

“Justin, you know you might get random memories coming back.”

“Brian.” I whisper softly, pleadingly.

“What? Justin, what is it?”

“He hates me, doesn’t he?”

“I…Justin, your father…” Brian falls silent, the indecision on his face very evident.

Just by looking in Brian’s face I have the answer to my question. I may not be sure of the details but I now know without a doubt, that my father hates me because Brian doesn’t lie and that’s why he couldn’t say anything to me. Because he doesn’t lie and he doesn’t have the heart to tell me the truth.

“Justin, anything that happened between you and your father makes this his lose, ok? You did nothing wrong.”

“How the fuck can you say that,” I scream, jumping up and away from Brian, “I went from having a great father who loved me to having fucking no father all within a year and you tell me it’s not my fault, bullshit.”

“Justin please, I can’t tell stuff to you but just please trust me on this, it’s not your fault what happened with Craig.”

I turn away because I don’t know what to say and I know that I can’t take these feelings out on Brian because he doesn’t deserve to be treated badly, no matter what happened with my dad and me.

I feel Brian’s arms wrap around me again and I lean into them, needing the comfort he is offering, although it’s not helping all that much.

“How about we take a shower?” Brian asks in a soft voice.

I look over my shoulder at him and see exactly what he means in his eyes and I feel myself get excited. I know this is Brian’s way of getting my mind off my father but right now I will take it.

“Oh yeah, let’s do it.”

Brian grins and heads to the bedroom and I watch his body for a second as he gets out clothes to change into and when he realizes that I haven’t followed him, he looks back wondering what is going on. When he realizes that I’m staring at him with a hungry look, he just smirks and wiggles his ass and goes into the bathroom followed by my giggles.

I run up to the bedroom to get clothes so I can follow Brian and get in that hot steamy shower with him. I grab a pair of sweats and as I go to open my t-shirt drawer, I hear the water turn on. I bring my mind back to the task at hand so I can get into the shower with him and have the fun I know he plans for us and I feel my dick twitch in response.

I reach into the drawer without really paying attention and grab out a t-shirt as I head to the bathroom with the clothes I have chosen in my hand. I hear the shower door open and close and I know that Brian is now naked and in the shower. I look down at what’s in my hand to make sure I have everything and that’s when I notice what t-shirt I have chosen and the knowledge stops me in my tracks.

I see the dark green and white Dartmouth t-shirt and I want to cry. I have this t-shirt because it had always been my father’s dream that I follow in his footsteps and go to Dartmouth. Now I knew from an early age that Dartmouth wasn’t for me but he always held out dreams that I would change and go to his alma mater. I know that I haven’t decided to do that by what has been said and I know my father must be disappointed with that.

Looking down at the shirt, I forget everything else that I was thinking about before and everything around me. I no longer know that I’m in the loft or that Brian is waiting for me in the shower. All I can think is about my father and how much I love him and what must have been happening over the last year, so that now it seems like he hates me.

I have to know what went on, I have to know if he still loves me, I have to know what I did wrong. Without any real plan or thought about it, I find myself slipping on my shoes and jacket and heading towards the door. I’m not sure where I’m going but I know that I have to get there.

I walk down the street from the loft in a daze and I wonder what I’m looking for and then I find it and it clicks what I’m looking for. I run into the phone booth and call the operator praying that my dad is listed. A few seconds and a couple sentences later, I’m dialing a cab to take me to the address I was given for my father.


	10. Craig

I pull up in front of the address that the operator gave me for my father and the first thing I notice is that his house is bigger than mom’s condo and I don’t know why this annoys me but it does. Shouldn’t mom have the bigger house seeing as she has Molly? I shake my head trying to rid myself of the anger I feel come out of nowhere and then I ring the bell and wait.

When the door opens I fear I’m in the wrong place when I am greeted by a woman who seems to be in her late twenties and I’m instantly embarrassed but my wasp upbringing helps me deal with it.

“I’m sorry ma’am, I must have the wrong house. I’m sorry to interrupt you. Have a great day.” I say with a polite smile and then I turn to leave.

“Well, I know almost everyone in the neighborhood, if you tell me who you’re looking for maybe I can help you find them.” She said before I could leave.

“Well, I was looking for my father but this is the address that I got, so now I have no idea where to look.”

“What’s your father’s name?” She asked with slight concern in her voice because she seems to have picked up on my desperation.

“It’s Craig Taylor. I…” And before I can say another word I’m cut off by her gasp and when I look into her eyes, I see a recognition dawning and before she even says anything, I know that I have the right house.

“Umm this is the house that Craig Taylor lives in. Where are my manners, come in, come in, I’m sorry I just didn’t realize Craig had a son too.”

Her words hit me like a sledgehammer; even as I follow her inside, I only want to run away from the truth of the fact that my father didn’t find me important enough to even mention to this woman he obviously lives with. I walk into my father’s home and I’m not at all surprised by the interior and then I shake my head, not believing that I’m thinking about the interior of my father’s home instead what is going to happen and what I want to know.

“So I’m Karen. I’m um, your dad’s girlfriend.”

“Oh, nice to meet you.” I say, although all I want to say is to tell her to shut up and get my father but my wasp training will not let me.

“Um well, let me get your father, he’s out in the garage.” she says before heading towards the back of the house and I’m so glad to be out of her presence that I’m saying silently thank you’s in my head. 

My wait isn’t even a full minute before I can hear pounding steps coming towards me and for the first time that I’m remember, I’m truly afraid of my father because I know shit happened in this last year and it changed everything, so I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my own father or not.

Soon my father is in front of me and although from the flashes I have of him I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but that disgust and hatred on his face still shocks the breath out of me. I just stand there, not knowing what to say and wishing that I had not come here.

“What do you want? What are you doing here? Have you decided to be normal?” He says the last thing with a little bit of hope laced in his voice and I know that is what he wishes for, but I don’t understand what it is he is asking for, although for some reason I’m sure I should know.

“Normal?” I ask with trepidation in my voice.

“You know what I mean. If you are going to stop all this queer crap and go to Dartmouth, then you’re welcome here but if not, I don’t have a son.” My father snarled at me.

His words slammed through me and I felt each one like the stab of a knife and although I wanted to sob out the pain, I couldn’t let myself in front of him. I couldn’t cry in front of the man who used to wipe my tears as a child and the loss of safety and comfort you get from your father was staggering. 

I saw him look at me and I know that I hadn’t been able to completely control my reaction when I see his face soften and my heart leaps thinking that he has changed his mind. And he comes closer to me and hesitantly lays a hand on the side of my face and I turn into it, needing the comfort even if he was the one who caused the hurt.

“Justin, I want my son back I do, I would love to be able to repair some of the damage you did to this family. I mean I know that your mother’s and my divorce can’t be fixed but a lot of the other damage you caused can be fixed.” 

I’m silent through his entire speech because I don’t know what to say. I caused all of this? I caused my parent’s divorce? What did I do and can I fix it?

“What…what did I do that was so wrong?” I beg of him and he drops his hand from my face before he answers.

“You know what you and that pervert Kinney did, you destroyed our family and didn’t think about anyone but yourself. If you’re not here because you are willing to change then you need to leave my house and never come back. You are not welcome here. I won’t have deviants in my home.”

I leave without another word, walking to the door with my head held high and my back straight as a rod; but as soon as I get far enough away from my father that I know he can no longer see me. I start running. 

I have no destination in mind, I just need to get away from it. I have to get away from everything that has happened that I don’t remember and away from the fact that my father hates me and all the other things that seem to be raining down on me. And I just run and run and run.


	11. A Dartmouth Hint

Thanks to Lois for the speedy beta'ing  


 

Brian’s POV

I feel a slight shift in the atmosphere and I have no idea what it is as I wait in the shower for Justin. After a few minutes of waiting, a sense of dread fills me and I jump out of the shower and run into the bedroom dripping wet. When Justin isn’t in the bedroom, I take a minute to check the rest of the loft even though I know he isn’t here.

As soon as I have checked, I pick up the phone and start dialing as I’m drying off. I call the Munchers, Deb, Jen, Daphne, hell I even call all the boys to see if maybe he talked to any of them. But from each I get the same negative response and I get more and more worried with each one. I now have the entire family ready to start looking for him and as I hang up from the last call, I run to throw some clothes on so I can do the same.

I don’t even look at what I’m throwing on, I just grab the first things I see and then grab a pair of boots to throw on, on my way out the door. Before I even make it out of the bedroom, hopping so that I can shove my foot in my boot, I spy something on the bed. It’s a shirt and while my first instinct is to shake my head at how Justin always leaves his things everywhere, instead I go over to it.

I don’t know why I do, when seconds before I was all but running out the door, but something draws me to it. I pick up the shirt and open it so I can see it and my blood runs cold when I see the Dartmouth logo on it. Now I know where he is, I just hope I’m in time to stop something bad from happening.

I rush out the door with my cell phone in hand, dialing as I rush down the stairs, in too much of a hurry to wait for the elevator. As I slam the jeep door and shove my key into the ignition, I scream out in frustration as the ringing in my ear continues.

“Fuck!!!”

I can’t believe Jen isn’t answering her phone; I just got off with her like ten minutes or so ago. The jeep has started but I have no idea where I’m going, because to tell the truth, as much as I can forget about Craig Taylor I do; so I have no idea where the son of a bitch lives. But I know that I need to get there before Justin because I’m sure that’s where he’s going.

Finally, after the third time I have screamed into her voice mail, I start calling the gang again, hoping one of them know where the asshole lives. In the middle of my second frantic call to the Munchers, my line beeps and when I look at the caller ID I see that it’s Jen, so I quickly say bye to Lindsay and switch over to Jen.

“What the fuck, why didn’t you answer your phone?” I practically scream at her.

“I’m sorry Brian, I was on the phone with a cop friend of mine, asking if they would look out for Justin and I didn’t check the beeps.” Jen answers my raging question in a soft scared voice.

I calm myself down knowing it’s no good to be angry at Jen and I explain my find and what I think it means and after a quick scared drawn in breath, Jen gives me Craig’s address. I can tell, even though she hasn’t said anything, that the thought of Justin and his father’s house is a bad one for her too.

Before my mind can even register the miles, I’m pulling up in front of the address Jen gave me. As I get out of the car I fight the urge to kick Craig’s ass when I notice how much nicer his house is than Jen’s and I remember all the times he told her he didn’t have money to give to her for Molly.

I shake off the feeling because right now I just have to worry about Justin, later I will figure this other shit out. I ring the door bell, just barely stopping myself from laying on it and the door opens within seconds.

“I thought I told you…” Craig starts before realizing it’s me. “Get the fuck away from my house.” he demands, once he has gotten over the shock.

“Well, I guess from what you were going to say, that you have seen Justin.” I say in a cold voice that anyone should understand is a warning but not Craig, he just keeps going.

“Yeah, I saw the little faggot. I told him the same thing I’m telling you, get your queer ass away from my house before I call the cops. I don’t know why that fucking faggot thought he could come here and infect my house, but told him I have no son and…”

I cut Craig off with a right hook to the face that sent him flying backwards and I don’t know who was more surprised, him or me. I walk calmly the two feet to get to him and before he can scramble away, I get right beside him.

“That is for all the pain you have caused Justin and this,” I say as I give him a hard swift kick to his ribs, “is payback.”

I stare disgustedly down at the whimpering man at my feet and although I would love to get a couple more kicks in, I refrain and decide he’s not worth it.

“When did he leave?” I demand and when he is silent, I start losing control of my temper again. “Don’t piss me off anymore Craig; when did Justin leave?”

“About ten minutes ago.” A voice from behind me answers my question instead.

I turn and look at the woman behind me who is wearing a slightly shell shocked look on her face.

“He went running up the street.” She says, as she points me in the right direction.

I see Craig struggling to his feet but I pay him no mind, until I hear her voice again.

“Don’t you dare, Craig.” She warns in a low voice.

I turn and realize that Craig had been about to attack me again and I hadn’t even realized it.

“What the fuck? He comes into our home and attacks me and you don’t want me to defend myself.” Craig screeches in a whiny voice.

“We will talk about this later.” She answers in a cold voice and I don’t know her but I know Craig’s in deep shit with her.

“Yeah, we’ll talk about it after we get out of the police station from pressing assault charges against him.” Craig sneers, but I don’t really care and I start walking out the door to find Justin, ignoring both of them. But as I’m about to close the door, I hear the woman’s voice again.

“Oh no, you won’t be pressing charges. You got what you deserved for treating your only son like that, hell, for treating anyone like that, so you can just suck it up and be a man for once in your life.”

I know that bad shit is going to happen in that house and I’m not sure whether I should be afraid for the woman or Craig, but right now I have more important things to deal with. Justin is my top priority and I have to find him before something worse happens to him.


	12. Found

Thanks to Lois for beta'ing this mess for me

Brian’s POV

I’m combing the streets from Craig’s house in the direction I was sent, hoping to catch a glimpse of my blond. I’m so afraid of what will happen to him on the streets by himself. Hell, it’s not like he’s stupid but with everything that has happened, he is so emotional and confused a lot of the time, that I’m worried that something will make him worse.

After a half an hour of searching, I come onto Liberty Ave and my praying has intensified. But suddenly I can feel him again. I don’t know where he is but I can feel him, so I hope that means he is close. I start driving even slower as I scan the streets and finally my heart feels a great leap of relief when I see him standing under a street light right beside Babylon.

It takes me getting out of the car and starting over to him before I really get where he is standing. He is under the same lamp post that we met under and as soon as I realize this my heart starts thumping faster. I feel like I am recreating the past as I walk up to him once again. There is no mist tonight but he has a similar scared, anticipating look on his face.

Once I am close to him I feel the overwhelming urge to repeat the words of our past, but for a moment I just stare at him wondering what is going on, why we are here again. After a couple seconds it’s him rather than me, this time, that breaks the silence.

“Tell me.” He says in a quiet unsure voice.

“What?” I ask, even though I have a feeling I know what he wants.

“Tell me why I’m here. Why I felt I needed to be here.”

“Justin, you know…” I start before he cuts me off.

“No, you fucking tell me. I have a right to know.” He demands in a slightly shaking voice.

“Maybe we should do this at home. Ok?” I try to reason with him.

“No, I am not leaving this place until I know why right here is so important.” He grits out.

I study Justin carefully as the doctor’s words ring in my ears and I hope like hell I’m not making a big mistake. But he seems almost desperate to know and I don’t think it’s doing him any good to feel like this, so with a deep breath, I plunge ahead.

“This is where we met.” I say in a soft voice, half of me thinking that this is the worse idea I have ever had and half of me thinking that this is the right thing to do.

Justin looked up at me with curiosity but not surprise and then he started to look around, taking all the things around him. Then after studying everything for a minute, he looks at me again. He looks me deep in the eyes and I know that I’m not off the hook yet.

“Tell me about it. Tell me the real story and not any washed down bullshit because I’ll know if you lie. Just tell me and I’ll go home.” Justin demands quietly but I know he means it. Not only that he wants to know but also that he will know if I lie to him. And the thought of having to tell him the real truth is terrifying because I don’t want him to leave me, but I know he deserves it.

“Ok fine, I will tell you everything you want to know but I will tell you at home. I can’t go into this here; I just can’t.” I say and hope my voice doesn’t sound as pleading to Justin as it does to me.

I know my voice has betrayed me when Justin just nods and slips his hand into mine. We walk back to the Jeep with his head situated on my shoulder and even though I’m worried how he’ll take everything I’m going to tell him, I feel happy with him in my arms.

Once we get back to the loft, we settle into the couch with bottles of water and Justin in my arms and I start to tell him about the night that the two most important people came into my life. I tell him everything from the failed blow job at Babylon, which he doesn’t even wince about, to Mikey walking into the loft that next morning.

Finally I’m to the part where I dropped him off at school and I pause, because I truthfully don’t want to tell him what I said to him. I don’t want him to remember the pain I caused.

“Brian, you can tell me anything.” Justin insists when he notices me stalling.

“Can I tell you what an asshole I really am?” I ask in almost a sneer.

Justin tilts his head at me and even though he doesn’t say anything to me, I know he is telling me not to take this out on him. And I’m immediately sorry that I did, so I squeeze him a little in a silent apology. As soon as I do, he slips his arms around mine and squeezes back slightly and I know I have been forgiven, just like that. And I know I can tell him and what’s more, I have to tell him.

“I told you that you could see me in your dreams when you asked to see me again.” I push out quickly.

I watch Justin’s face as he reacts to my news and I see a couple of different emotions fly across his face; as I hold myself still, waiting for him to be upset but again he surprises me.

“Well I guess I have, huh?” he says with a smile.

“True, I’m just that hot.” I say, taunting him lightly.

Justin laughs and we move on. Although I know he wants to know more, he keeps his promise and we move on to a topic I know he doesn’t want to deal with, but I think he has to, if he’s going to get over it.

“So what happened with your father?” I ask and hold him all that much tighter when he tries to draw away from me.

Justin shakily tells me of his confrontation with his father and I want nothing more than to go back and beat the fuck out of him again, but I stay still and comfort Justin as much as I can. 

When he’s through, I tell him his father is just an ass and it’s him that’s missing out, not Justin. We hold each other for a while and then the air in the loft changes. Justin turns his face up to mine and kisses me in a way that I have never been kissed before, even by him. I know that somehow this night will be different; I just don’t know how different.


	13. Hott

Justin’s POV  
  
Brian and I make our way to the bed without taking our mouths from the other. We are kissing and caressing in a frantic but loving way. Our kisses are deep and soulful like we are trying to learn every inch of each other, inside and out. Something has changed between us but I don’t know what it is and I’m trusting in Brian to bring me to wherever we are heading.  
  
As soon as we get to the bed, as if by silent agreement, we both sit on the edge instead of laying down and we once again start to devour each other’s lips. As we are nibbling and sucking each other’s lips, Brian starts to caress my body through my clothes. He is rubbing his hands down my back in a gentle caress that is also bringing me closer to his kiss.  
  
And then I feel as he moves his hands off my back and brings them around front, rubbing my stomach and tweaking my nipples through the thin fabric of my t-shirt. I want nothing more than to feel his hard muscles so I reach out and place my hands on his shoulders and with every slight move of our bodies, I start stroking along his shoulder line, trying to ease all the tension that is always there.  
  
Suddenly Brian wrenches his lips away from mine and before I have time to utter a single protest, he has my shirt off and is on my mouth again like that second away from them was killing him. I groan my approval not only to the fact that his mouth is on mine once again but also that his magical hands and fingers are roaming over my hot bare skin.   
  
A few seconds later I reciprocate by ripping his shirt off as quickly as I can because, although the silk of his shirt feels nice, I wanted the blossoming heat of his skin. As soon as I have his shirt off, I go back after his mouth and I’m surprised and a little irritated when he doesn’t meet my mouth but those feelings fade immediately when I feel his wet mouth on my burning skin.  
  
Soon we are almost fighting each other because we each want to be the one nibbling, biting, and licking at the other’s body, but quickly Brian wins when he forces me to throw back my head by reaching down my pants and giving my dick a quick squeeze. I want to yell at him about being unfair but can’t with his hand down my pants and the trail he is making with his tongue down my torso.  
  
Brian pulls his hand out of my pants and proceeds to unbutton them slowly while staring into my eyes the whole time. As soon as he gets them undone, he sweeps them off as well as my underwear in one quick movement. As soon as I’m naked he pushes me on my back on the bed and removes his own pants and then lays on me chest to chest, using his knees on either side of my thighs to take some of his weight off me.  
  
We are looking into each others eyes once again as time slows down and we start exploring the other’s body leisurely. For some reason this moment means a change in things and although we don’t quite know what the change is, we plan to savor it none the less.  
  
Finally Brian has resumed his trail down my body and when he gets to my groin again he bypasses it even though I beg him not to. Suddenly he raises my legs and puts my knees on his shoulders and pretty much shoves his face between my ass check which he has grabbed in either hand to spread. Brian starts eating my ass like he’s starving and I’m his only source of food and I’m just trying to keep my body on the bed and not to scream loud enough for the neighbors to hear.  
  
Brian settles in and continues to rim me for what feels like forever and my legs start to shake. Nothing I do is moving him away from his prize and not even extensive begging seems to work.  
  
“Please Brian, I need you.” No reaction.  
  
“God Brian, I want you so much, please fuck me.” A slight hum travels across every nerve I have but still no move to comply.  
  
“Fuck me.” I demand and still I get nothing.  
  
And finally the answer becomes clear to me and I slip a hand around my cock and start jerking it fast, trying to get myself off quickly.  
  
“Mine.” Brian growls when he realizes what I’m doing and he pulls my hand away.  
  
“Well then, do me.” I hiss as I pull at his hair, trying to pull him up my body.  
  
The slight pain in his scalp urges Brian on a little more and he rears up and grabs a condom from the bowl, and the lube as well. Brian shoves two well slicked fingers into my already loosened hole after laying the condom on my stomach and quickly finger fucks me to make sure I can take him with minimal discomfort. After a few seconds he adds another finger and grins at me as he shoves all three right into my prostate. I howl like a banshee and he picks up the condom then puts the corner of the wrapper in his mouth.  
  
Before he can rip it open I stop his hand and pull it gently out of his mouth.  
  
“What? What’s wrong?” Brian asks with concern in his voice.  
  
“Well I was thinking, we don’t really need this, do we? I mean, haven’t you ever wondered what it feels like? And we could find out together.” I say staring deep into his eyes, letting all my love show so he will know I’m completely sure about this.  
  
“You want me to fuck you, raw?” Brian says with something akin to awe in his voice.

 

AN: Thanks to my beta Lois and all my reviewers  



	14. Will They Or Won't They?

Thanks to Eka for the banner, Lois for beta'ing, and all my readers for sticking with me.

 

Brian’s POV

I don’t know what to do, say, think, anything. All my motor skills just went out the window and all I can think about is being inside my baby without anything in between us. God, it’s like every fantasy and dream I have ever had all rolled into one thing. One thing I can’t have and now I have to tell Justin that and explain why, FUCK!

“Justin, I would love to be with you like that but it’s too dangerous and I won’t put you at risk like that.” I say as gently as I can.

“But we’re together and we love each other.” Justin says, looking into my eyes with the pleading blues that make me want to give him anything, but I can’t give him this no matter how much I’d like to.

I know I have to tell him more now. I have to explain that it hasn’t been three months for me but also that even when it is, I can’t do it. There is nothing I’d like more but I don’t think that condoms are something you should ever do without.

“Justin, when we talked I told you about how I was.” I say hesitantly, hoping he gets my drift without me having to say it.

“Oh…oh so it hasn’t been enough time since the last time…” He drifted off, understanding what I was trying to say but not wanting to have to say it out loud.

“Yeah…but the truth is Justin, even if that wasn’t the case I don’t think we should ever go without condoms.” I say slowly, looking into his eyes.

“Why? Don’t you want to be with only me?” Justin asks earnestly while studying my expressions, trying to see what I’m really thinking.

“Yes Justin, you have to believe me. I only want to be with you but there are so many variables with HIV/AIDS that I don’t want to be the reason that you get sick.”

“But…” Justin starts but I cut him off.

“Please don’t, I’m not going to give in on this and I don’t want to fight about it. I can’t do something that could make you sick no matter how much either of us wants it.” I plead.

“Okay, I give up on it…for now.” Justin returns with a slight little grin and a giggle that goes straight to my groin which is the desired effect; I can tell by the twinkle in his eyes.

I am glad that crisis is over and return to making Justin mine once again. Soon the room is filled once more with moans, groans, and breathy little whispers followed by the rip of a condom wrapper and me settling home.

My sleep is rudely interrupted with a constant rapping on the door and although I don’t want to move from the comfort and warmth of the bed, I don’t want Justin woken up this early even more. So I slowly slide my arm out from underneath Justin and reluctantly crawl out of bed. Once I am out of bed I throw some clothes on and practically run to the door so that the incessant knocking will stop before Justin wakes up.

I throw open the door ready to ream someone a new asshole and come face to face with Lindsay and my Sonny Boy. I want to be mad at her for being here at such an ungodly hour but just seeing Gus cools my temper quite a bit and Lindsay knows it, the bitch, so she uses it to her advantage. So I grab Gus and raise an eyebrow at her, silently asking what the fuck.

“Gus missed Justin so I thought I would bring him over to see him.” Lindsay says, even though she is aware that I know she uses Gus like this.

“Oh really, and even though I asked the ‘family’ to give him time and even though it’s too early for normal people to be up, you decided it was a good idea to bring Gus to see him.” I say sarcastically.

She has the grace to blush and I would be more mad at her but I know how much she loves Gus and I know how much it cost her to wait until today to come here. I want her to be able to see him because I know if I was in her shoes, I would have to see him too. But I won’t wake him up for her to see him and when he does wake up, it will be his choice whether or not she stays and I tell her this.

“No problem, I understand. I just had to see him. I had to see for myself that he’s okay, you know.”

“Yeah I know.” I say and I know my voice is more emotional then I would like so I just turn away and head over to the couch with Gus.

Lindsay follows me and we spend a while talking while I hold Gus and just play with him. I love my son and the more time that I get to spend with him, the more I’m glad that Lindsay talked me into having him. I never knew that I could love someone so much but now there are two people in my life that I live for, hell, that I would die for.

About an hour passed with me and Lindsay just talking about anything and everything like we do when we are alone together and I have feed Gus and made Lindsay change him. I can’t become too domesticated, can I? As the time passes I’m starting to wonder when Justin is going to get up or if I should go wake him up when I hear his voice.

“Brian, where’d you go? Come back to bed.”

“We have company baby, well you do. Why don’t you come out and say hi?” I say gently, looking up into the bedroom.

I hear him rustling and getting out of bed. The sounds of him slowly getting his clothes on greets my ears and I know he is scared to face who’s out here but I know that he is strong and he will. I wait impatiently for him to get out here so I can reintroduce him to my son and a couple of seconds later he is walking towards me. I smile big and get ready for the two most important people in my life to meet again.

“Justin, I would like to introduce you to…”

“Gus.” Justin breathes out and pales for a second before he hits the floor so quickly, I don’t even have time to get off the couch to try to catch him.

“Fuck, what’s wrong?” I cry, causing Gus to cry as well.  



	15. What's Wrong Now?

Thanks goes out to all my readers for their support, and to Lois for making this readable.

 

Brian’s POV

I feel so helpless as I watch him hit the floor and the fear wells up inside me that more could possibly be wrong with Justin than we already know about. I quickly hand Gus off to Lindsay and rush to Justin’s side, crying before I even get to him, my fear overwhelming.

“Baby, baby please wake up.” I cry as I gently shake his still form.

Nothing I do seems to rouse him and after a minute there is a phone thrust into my line of vision. I look up at Lindsay who has my son in one arm and the phone in the other, silently begging her to make the call that I just don’t have the heart to make.

I hold Justin and pray that he is alright as I listen to Lindsay speaking with 911. I hear her describing Justin and the situation and I can’t believe that I’m here again, waiting for the ambulance to come to save my baby. I have a feeling of dread about this even though there seems to be no obvious wounds and he seems to be breathing alright because the voice in my head is saying that they missed something about the bashing and that there is something seriously wrong.

I try to quiet the voice while we wait for about ten minutes for the ambulance to arrive. Even riding in the ambulance I try to make it shut up but the voice screams that I was too happy and now I’m going to get it all taken away from me because I just don’t deserve it.

Now here I am once again staring at white hospital walls waiting for a doctor to come out and share with me my fate because whatever happens to Justin happens to me. If he dies, my body will go on living but my soul will die with him. The only reason my body will even go on living is my little boy because if I didn’t have him, I would make sure they buried me beside Justin.

I shake my head trying to clear my mind of these depressing thoughts, trying to stay positive is very foreign for me but I’m trying so hard. The entire family will arrive within minutes because I heard Lindsay call them and I know they will want to be right here, But I truthfully wish that none of them would come; hell I wish that Lindsay would leave.

I know that might sound harsh but I just don’t want to deal with their worries and fears and especially not their feelings when mine are drowning me already. I wish I could hide from them but I’m not leaving this spot. I need to see the doctor as soon as he gets out of Justin’s room. Oh, and here comes the family; shit, maybe if I ignore them they’ll get the story out of Lindsay.

“What happened? I thought he was fine? Is he going to be alright?” Fired off Jennifer.

“Is it something to do with the bashing? Was it something else?” Debbie cried out as soon as Jennifer broke off.

Questions continued to be fired right and left to the point that I lost track of them and who was asking. Hell, after a while their voices just became white noise to me as I prayed silently once again that God would spare Justin.

After a while when it became apparent to one and all that I had no intention of answering any questions, hell I hadn’t even said hi to one of them, Lindsay began answer all the questions shot around the room. I inwardly sigh, thanking her and God, that she stopped the barrage of people looking to me for answers I just don’t have, to questions I wish didn’t need to be asked.

About an hour later I’m still sitting in the same place, I don’t think I have even moved the focus of my eyes, when the doctor I saw disappear with Justin comes out, walking towards me. Before the man has even made it five feet from the door he exited, I’m up and in his face.

“How is he? What happened? Is he going to be alright?” I ramble off, looking at this man like he holds my life in his hands because truthfully he does.

“He’s fine Mr. Kinney.” The doctor answers with a smile on his face that lets me know that he is happy to be the bearer of good news.

“Fine? Then what happened? Can I see him?” I shot out before he has time to answer the first questions and by now the family is all gathered around hanging on his every word as well.

“Mr. Taylor had quite a shock because something happened to jog his memory and all his memories coming back to him appears to have been very confusing for him and that’s why he lost consciousness. And you can definitely see him Mr. Kinney; he’s been asking for you since he woke up.”

The entire ‘family’, myself included, breathes a collective sigh of relief with the doctor’s words and nothing is going through my mind except that my baby’s alright. The doctor tells us one at a time and I follow him to Justin’s room first but when we get to the door the rest of what the doctor said sinks in and I stop for a moment. Justin remembers everything, shit, now don’t get me wrong, I wanted him to remember because he wanted to remember. But I’ll be honest, a part of me hoped he’d never remember what a dick I used to be.

I don’t know what to do with this knowledge and I hope against hope that this won’t change anything between us because I was so happy with the way things have been going. But there’s nothing I can do about it now and all I can do is face whatever comes and try to do all I can to keep us on the right track. With this thought in my mind, I grab the door handle.


	16. Legendary Final Chapter

AN: OKay here is the final chapter of this and I wanna make sure everyone who help me with it or just supported me in writing it knows how much I appreciate them so forgive if this author's note is long. First I'm going to thank Laina for the plot bunny, it was such a great one. To Eka for once again coming up with a gorgeous banner that fits so well. To my Beta's Lois and Helen for working tirelessly to make the story presentable and just plain putting up with me. And to all the people who read and all those who reviewed for loving the story and dealing with my weird writing and posting delays. I love you all.

 

 

Justin’s POV

I feel light poking at my eyelids but I don’t want to open them for some reason, I don’t want to face the world that has become so confusing lately. Just looking at Gus made my memories come back although I have no idea why; I mean, you would think that Brian or my mother or father would do it but it wasn’t it, was Gus.

I saw him and I don’t know what happened, but everything started to spin and memories that had been locked inside my mind came pouring out, and my head hurt so bad that I couldn’t handle it. I knew I was going to hit the floor long before it happened, it seemed, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

And now here I am in the hospital, I haven’t even opened my eyes and I know I’m in a hospital by the sounds and the smells that I have become way too familiar with. God, I wish that I never had to be in a hospital again, I think that should be my life goal from now on. That is if I can figure out my life. Everything is so confusing and I can’t figure out how to merge my two realities.

I just don’t know what to do or what to think at the moment about a lot of things, and the main one being Brian. God, my two realities of him are so different yet the same. It’s so confusing; in the latest memories I think I’m having, Brian was exactly who I always knew he was but he would never show me but questions abound about it.

Are the second set of memories real, or are they all some dream I came up with when I was hurt? And if they are real, did Brian really mean all that or was it something he did out of guilt? I don’t know what’s going on but what I do know is that I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I don’t know what is going on but I know I need Brian.

I hear the door start to creak open and it feels like it’s going in slow motion as Brian walks into the room looking so unsure under his mask, it’s almost painful looking at him. I know just by the look on his face that he isn’t sure of how I’m going to react to him. I know that right now he needs assurances from me, so I smile and open my mouth to say something and I’m cut off by the door opening once again but this time in a rush.

The entire ‘family’ piles in, not that I’m surprised, and I give Brian a loving smile trying to get across that we’ll talk about this later and that I’m not angry at him in one look. I watch as the stress on Brian’s face relaxes a little, although it doesn’t go away as the ‘family’ descends.

After talking to the doctor that I remember and once again going through my mother’s demand that I should be home with her, it’s about four hours later and Brian and I have just arrived at the loft. As soon as we are in the door, I look around the loft with a sense of deja vu. When I recognize the feeling I look at Brian and grin and by the amused look on his face, I know he is seeing the irony in the situation.

I can tell by looking at him that he was fighting the need in him to talk about all the things that needed to be discussed and his personality, which hated to talk and feel. I know that this has to be my move but I’m still unsure about how to address this because I know what I want, and I know what he said, but was it for real? Did he only say it because of what had happened?

I look at him, the slight defensive nature of his body, and know that whatever fears or insecurities I might have are shared by Brian a thousand fold. I know that I have to face this head on because he seems to be shying away from it. I remember that he was the one who did it before, who made the declaration, so I figure it’s only fair that I do it now.

I walk over to him and gently grab his hand, pulling slightly so that he follows me to the couch. Once we are seated I look at him, not letting go of his hand; I take a breath and go off the cuff.

“Brian, I want you to mean everything that you said to me before about us being together. It’s everything that I have always wanted but I will understand if that’s not what you want to do anymore.” I pause to collect my thoughts and before I can say anything, he is talking in a hurried voice.

“Of course I still want it, I’m the one who said it but now you remember what an asshole I’ve been to you. There is no way…” I stop him right there because I can’t have him thinking this stuff.

“Brian I love you, not what I can change about you, you might be an asshole but I love that asshole.” I say with slight humor but the truth behind my words can be clearly heard.

“What? But what about all the times I’ve hurt you?” Brian says, sounding seriously confused.

“Well, I can’t say I like that, and it sucks even more when you do it on purpose, but I do love who you are so I accept that is the way it’s going to be sometimes.” I try to explain.

“But what if I don’t want it to be that way?” Brian asks.

“What do you mean?” I look at him confused.

“I know I sometimes hurt you, whether meaning to or not, and I hate that flash of pain you get in your eyes so I don’t want to do it anymore; but I might need your help because it’s second nature to me. I want us to be something so much more than we were but I don’t know what that something is.” Brian rushed out his apprehension showing.

“I want that too and I can tell you exactly what we’ll be.” I paused, letting him take in my acceptance.

“What? What will we be, because I’m still not sure I can be a Stepford fag.” he asked, sounding unsure once again.

“We’ll be us. We’ll fuck and we’ll fight, oh man, will we fight sometimes. And both of us will mess up sometimes and in some way hurt the other one, but we’ll be together and we’ll make it,” I assure him.

Brian looks at me for a minute and I know that he is taking in my words but it only takes a minute, and he’s pulling me tightly into his arms and devouring my mouth. We’re not going to be perfect and we sure as hell won’t pull off the same relationship as the people around us because we aren’t like them, but our love is legendary and we’ll make it.


End file.
